Name Change: Part 3, Change Is An Inside Job

After the Fire, Digitally Painted, 2013 (c) A.M. Johnson

For me, the externalized expression of my name follows many, many internal changes, many changes in my physical existence, and lots of determined growth, not the other way around. I am only a month or so shy of being 49 years old, a point I consider and hope to be the middle-ish part of my life (and that might be stretching it considering what I've been through lately). Why in the world would I change my name so “late in life”? It seems, perhaps counter-productive to have to re-establish recognition, especially in a world of transparency where I have done much to establish “Amanda Morris Johnson”. I have lots of love that comes my way with my old names. Am I rejecting all of that? No. I don’t believe that I’m tossing out my history at all.  If I did, that would be pure illusion. It is not as if I’m a young Hollywood wannabe with a PR person in charge of rewriting my story.

Right now I am embracing my own growth and telling you my story because it all goes together.

Self-portrait 2013, Digitally Painted, 2013 (c) A.M. Johnson

So, the past five years amazed me almost constantly about what I thought I knew and didn't know, and what I do know but cannot count on beyond this moment. Both monstrously challenging with health falling down and getting back up again, but also coming to terms with my identity as being actually very strong, and not victimized by challenge. I am very flexible and appreciative of every moment good or bad. That has meant a huge release of my own expectations. I am very much alive and kicking.

Understanding that making little shifts can lead anyone to an entirely different arena, I see that I have made HUGE SHIFTS. All of these huge shifts (divorce, encore marriage, serious loss, brain surgery, new found career in art, rediscovered career in publishing) have simply landed me in a world that I feel so differently about that I barely recognize my old ways as my own...except the feeling that my name has been chained to my heart rather than shifting along with me. The expectations of who Amanda is have not let go and once again, I realize that this has to do with boundaries more than anything else.

Started out a Summer's Day,
Digitally Painted, 2013(c) A.M. Johnson

It is clear to me that actually physically leaving a very violent situation after 18 years was far more effective in changing the course of my life than changing my surname ever would have been. It is clear to me that I am right to have outgrown the family name I originated with but traveled far from both in distance and experience. It is clear to me that loving myself is more important than earning someone else’s love in shaping my experience. Those names are simply reflective of where I once was, and I do not owe anything more to them. Now I want to see myself, hear myself as I am today.

Surprise!, Digitally Painted, 2013 (c) A.M. Johnson

Didn't brilliant Shakespeare write, “A Rose by any other name smells just as sweet,”? However, this comes out of the mouth of a naive girl, Juliet, who wants what she wants what she wants. In fact, during the play, “Romeo and Juliet,”  Shakespeare points out just how important names are for defining a whole life and death scenario, and how they are reflected in the actions of his characters, the Capulets and Montagues. Perhaps, if the kids had been willing to entirely change their names and move onto a different world right away, they could have seen a different outcome. Fighting with names and their history turns out to be a deadly proposition. But I digress on philosophical whims about quotes used out of context.

Metamorphosis, Oil Pastels,
2013 (c) A.M. Johnson

Examining who I am today is a huge factor in choosing my name. How am I different from “Amanda Morris,” “Amanda Conti,” and “Amanda Johnson” in my own heart?  Is it possible to actually let go of a name that has been with me all of my life, coming from people who loved me or hated me, and from histories that were much longer than my own life? Hell yes, no need to harbor a stranger in my heart. Is changing a name like digging up roots and cutting them off? Hell no! It is growing strong roots that actually nourish me rather than fantasies.

Chrysalis, Oil Pastels, 2013 (c) A.M. Johnson

Still, the reactions of those closest to me, primarily my children and my husband, are really important. My husband is largely responsible for making our marriage a safe and ultimately the most incredibly freeing relationship to me. He says is it my choice, of course. Yet with only the slightest bit of worry in his eyes, he asks me, once I’ve found this name that fits, “So, will we still be married?” Of course we will still be married! Maybe we will have another wedding, though, I say with a grin, and he agrees! My children get excited about being the ones to name me, and shoot out a slew of choices. Some of them are really good and some of them are as funny as “Mocojo!” Will you still be our mom? Of course, I will still be their mom! Maybe it deserves a ritual to clarify all of this.

It is important to state here, I think, that I have already gone through a great deal of re-positioning myself with my family of origin. Going through divorce, marrying again, and health crises puts one in the position to reassess how a family works. The shifts are all real and physical for me already.

As a friend, Matthue Dayarus, a great name changer himself, said in response to my announcement, "changing the sound that other people fetch you by is a great boundary condition.” 

For me changing those boundaries started, bit-by-bit, long before finding this name did, and so I must emphasize that I don’t believe changing my name is going to be more than one of the conditions in a process already underway. It is a really good one though, and so when I came upon my very different name I noticed very different boundaries, ones that clearly stated that I am my own responsibility and my own expression. I still have connections to my family, to my past, but that is not all I am. It is as strange to me that this is such a miracle to me, as it may be to you, but there you have it. Like I was a caterpillar and now I have wings.